Anal glaucoma

Overworked and Underpaid Editor looked at the beagle. “Sorry, beagle, I won’t be in the office today. I was just diagnosed with anal glaucoma.”

Beagle: “Huh?”

Overworked: “Yep. I just don’t see my ass coming into work today.”

Badump-bump-bump

Crawly things

I live in Southern California. The land of fabulous weather, earthquakes, palm trees, beaches, and…crawly things. I know there are places with far more crawly things than in the land of perpetual traffic, of course. I’m still trying to wipe my mental hard drive of the time I found a giant hairy spider whose legs had muscle tone making a bed in my shoe when I went to the Peruvian Amazon with a medical group.

I. Know. Bugs.

But living where I do means that my windows are open more than the average bear. When y’all are hugging the fireplace/ac unit, or cranking up your electric blankets, I’m opening another window to keep the airflow going. This is an open invitation to the crawly things that have decided living indoors has its benefits.

I usually see the signs of their presence in their house building efforts. They actually believe overnight construction of a web that goes from my coffee pot to the sink is a good idea.

There is also a concerted effort to test my flagging humor over the silky creations that run from my monitor to my mouse. I discovered this while in deep conversation with an agent. The proud builder decided he needed to come home from a night of blood sucking and debauchery and made it as far as my mouse.

I managed to stifle my screams [I fear spiders like the Wicked Witch fears water] and, thinking quickly, I grabbed my trusty Chicago Manual of Style and dropped it square on the six legged bastard.

“What was that noise?” the agent asked.

“Oh, heh, nothing. Just killing a spider.”

I had to buy a new mouse, but the idea that spiders can die from a dangling participle or improper verb conjugation puts the jam in my jelly doughnut.

Sure, I could close my windows, but it’s a lot more fun to rack up my kill ratio. Twisted, you say? Well duhh. I am an editor, after all.

Flu

Send margaritas…and a blanket

Promotion – sit or act

There are many arguments on both sides of the fence regarding author book promotion. Many say that it’s the publisher’s job – which it is – and many say the author must get out and show their face – which they do. Promo dollars are tight and with a record number of books being published each year, it’s getting harder to rise above the din.

So what does an author do? Well, they can sit on their hands and take a few stabs at promoting, or they can gain inspiration from reading this article about Kelly Corrigan’s get-off-the-couch attitude, author of The Middle Place.

“My book has no competition”

And while I’m busy being cranky, avoid putting this type of stuff in your query letter…

Competition: No similar XYZ titles at Amazon & Barnes and Noble

…because I won’t believe you. For one thing, the particular category of this book, both in fiction and nonfiction, is THE RAGE. To say that your book is totally unique and no one else has addressed the same issues – especially in a huge category – tells me one thing. You Do. Not. Read.

Right off the top of my head, I had five comparative titles for this author’s book, which I was sorely tempted to mention in his rejection letter.

Unique vs. Comparison

I think authors are confused about comparative titles. They believe that if there are books already on the market that compare to their book, then it’s not unique and the publisher won’t want it. It’s easier to say, “Nope, thar be nuthin’ like mah book out there.” This is just plain silly because we know darn well that there are. And it shows that the author doesn’t understand the reason behind comp titles. Strike two. One more, and they’re out.

See, we need those comparative titles for our sales teams and marketing and promotion. We need to know where and how this book fits with what is already out there. Say, for instance, that you wrote a book on your pet gerbil. Depending on your comp titles, this will tell a buyer that your book is either inspirational or instructional. Remember, a sales person has scant minutes to pitch a title to a genre buyer, so those comp titles are there to clarify.

This differs from unique. You can write a book that’s in a very crowded category, like Alzheimer’s or bipolar disorder and still get published because you have elements that are unique to the main core of that category. Unique. Is. Good. It is the smart author who highlights their story’s unique qualities because that’s how we market and promote your book.

For instance, there is no way I’ll say that Barry Petersen’s upcoming book Jan’s Story is about Alzheimer’s. Big deal. There are gazillion Alzheimer’s books out there. No, I’ll say that Barry is the first one to talk about Early Onset Alzheimer’s and what happens when this disease hits patients, and their loved ones, while still in the prime of life. I’ll focus on how Barry discusses controversial issues such as what happens to the caretakers and how they become people of uncertain status. This is a book that will make people sit up and take notice because IT’S UNIQUE.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t be using Lisa Genova’s fabulous novel, Still Alice as a title comp because this tells buyers where Jan’s Story fits on the shelf. It also gives readers an instant recognition. Unique – Comparative Titles: don’t confuse the two.

Be Well Read

I’ve blathered on about this in past posts, but it bears repeating. It’s vital to know your competition and be well-versed in the books that closely relate to yours. Why? Because at some time you’re going to be asked. Imagine having Katie Couric ask you how your book compares to another book, and you sit there with your finger up your nose. Trust me, I’ll be able to hear your editor screeching from inside my darkened cave.

If you’re well-read, you’re equipped to elevate your book over that NY Times bestseller. Instead of dripping mouth goo, you can fold your hands and say, “Well, Katie, NYT bestseller deals with an unruly dog that ripped apart the owner’s brand new LazyBoy and swam in the church baptism pool, while my book deals with the curative powers of my dog’s love. He loved me when no one else did. He didn’t care if my teeth weren’t brushed or I was overweight. His unconditional devotion to my welfare gave me the strength to get out of bed, seek medical help, and become a survivor. When he got sick, I was more than ready to return the favor.”

SOB! Gawd, who wouldn’t want THAT book? That’s what being well-read can do. It’s not that you want to diminish your competition – because that’s just bad karma – but you want to be able to compare and highlight why your book is so worthy.

Repeat after me: I. Will. Read…I. Will. Know. My. Competition.

Where may I reach you?

I just received this:

I use Boxbe to protect my email address. While I did receive your email about “RE: Query – Brilliant-est Book in the World”, you are not currently on my email Guest List. I’ll be more likely to see your email and future messages if you are on my priority Guest List.

Click here to be put directly on my Guest List

Thank you,
Unwise Author

Dude. Srsly? I feel some major league snark bubbling to the surface. Since it’s Sunday, I’m trying to swallow it with a Bourbon chaser in my morning cuppa. Just…don’t…do…this. Only noobs do this.

And you want to know the kicker? I was asking for more clarification on the synopsis because I’m intrigued with the story. This could have led to my asking for pages. But now? Fuhgeddaboudit. Even if he sent a Antonio Banderas to my door dressed in rugged jeans and a plaid shirt singing, “You Make Me Feel So Good,” this author would still see my literary backside because he’s a noob.

If you are in querying mode and don’t want to hand out your private email addy, then create a new for, for cryin’ out loud. It’s as tough as going to hotmail, or yahoo. But to tell me that I’m not listed as one of your posse and gee, doesn’t it suck to be you, my reply is no, it sucks to be you because that’s the last bit of time I’ll give you.

I’ll be more likely to see your email and future messages if you are on my priority Guest List.

You’ll be likely to see more of me if you grow up and act like a professional. Beagle, bring that bottle back here; I’m not done with it.

Oh brother…the “self publish game” rears its head in USA Today

There’s an article in USA Today that discusses the “self publishing” option. Just reading the title made me roll my eyes:

“Publish your own book for fun and profit”

Profit? Exactly where does that part come into play given this scenario? It’s quite obvious that USA Today journalist, Kim Komando, knows zilch about the publishing industry and wrote this with extreme bias.

She has no agenda, you protest? She says in the second paragraph:

Interesting a traditional publisher is no small feat. In the bad old days, years of work often resulted in nothing. Not any longer.

The bad old days? She makes it sound as though only the writers who knew the secret handshake were granted contracts. This kind of assumption is exactly why vanity presses exist. It doesn’t matter how many months or years a writer spent on his story. Is it publishable? Is it marketable?

I would love for Kim to sit in my chair for a week. Heck, a day. She could read plenty of unpublishable works that cross my desk. But hey, Kim sez, authors can change all that by bearing witness to the Great New Hope – vanity publishing. And, gosh, you can make money too!

How, Kim? You failed to mention that in your article. Do you have any idea what it takes to market, promote, and sell a book? The amount of money that goes into that endeavor? Vanity authors know zilch about the industry and are ill-equipped to sell their own product. They lack money and time and ability. You can’t just walk into your local indie bookstore or chain and ask them to carry your book. Buyers know vanity books have zero scrutiny, and that’s why they refuse to stock them.

And, Kim? There is nothing “self published” about the vanity option. It’s the publisher’s name, not the author’s, that’s on the copyright page as publisher. And should the author find a store willing to order books – which is very unlikely – do they call the author? Nope. They call the publisher. And who pays for those books? The author. Only when the author is the publisher is it called “self published.” [yes, I realize the UK calls vanity "self published," but I still think it's wrong and confusing]

I’ve heard many vanity authors talk about hiring a publicist. This won’t work, either. Publicists need authors who have a good platform, print runs, great distribution, and a great product. Vanity authors meet none of those criteria.

For the most part, vanity authors sell their books out of the trunk of their car, to friends and family and a few co-workers. Profit? Maybe they’ll clear a few bucks. But they cannot, and never will, be able to reach a large enough audience who will take them seriously. Vanity is exactly what it says:

the excessive belief in one’s own abilities or attractiveness to others

Had Kim written this article without injecting her opinions regarding Big Bad Publishers, I’d have no quarrel. These options can be great for the hobbyist who wants to have something between covers for their friends and family. But this is not a viable option for serious writers. And this makes me cranky because I see the horror stories all the time when I speak at seminars and writer’s conferences.

So, Kim, let me tell you the truth of how this vanity thing works; writers read articles like yours and believe they’d have fun and see some profit. After about six months to a year of selling no books, and going broke, they query the likes of me and my colleagues, all in hopes of taking their book to someplace where their books will actually sell. Yes, us evil “traditional” publishers.

The problem is, we won’t take them due to inferior writing. Another disadvantage is that the first publishing rights are gone. Have you ever tried to get a previously published book removed from all the online databases? It’s like nailing jello to the wall. With all the talent out there, it’s easier to buy an unencumbered manuscript.

So please, Kim, before you decide to choose a particular side of the fence, do yourself and your readers the benefit of actually knowing what you’re talking about. The next vanity pubbed author who queries me, I’ll think of you.

Nothing Short of Joy – must read

If any of you are heading to the internationally renowned Wayne Dyer event in Massachusetts on November 16, be sure to stop and talk to a very special lady, and make sure you buy her very special book.

Wayne Dyer invited our author, Julie Genovese, to join him because he was so taken with her book, Nothing Short of Joy. The book isn’t due out until March, but we did a special print run just for this event. So you can be one of the lucky few to read a book by a beautiful woman whose brilliant smile and presence outshines her diminutive size.

Said Dyer:

“Nothing Short of Joy is a masterpiece that will take you out of your comfort zone and into a magical world of joy. I love this book. I love this woman. Read it and reap.”

This lovely book is much more than just a masterpiece. It’s a journey through fire. How many of us have experiences that color who we become in later life? Come, raise your hands. If you’re honest, your hand is in the air. How many of us have allowed those early experiences to get in the way of our being the very best that we could be? We may know we have the potential but can’t quite seem to get there.

Well Julie’s path was unique and served as my personal inspiration to always pay attention to how my past influenced my “now.” Not only did she have to endure the daily taunts of school bullies, but she was routinely put on exam tables at the doctors’ offices and held up for close scrutiny. Her rare form of dwarfism made her feel like a lab specimen rather than a human being who deserved respect, kindness, and explanations.

Having endured countless surgeries to correct easily dislocated elbows, hips, and knees, and two brain surgeries – Julie grew up wanting the same things we all want. Love. Marriage. Happiness. But what she realized is that those elements aren’t “out there,” but rather, inside each of us. She spent her entire lifetime focused on one goal and would stop at Nothing Short of Joy.

If you want a journey of brilliant writing where inner fears, hopes, and dreams are exposed like an uncovered seashell, then you will eat up this book. If you want to learn about yourself, quite by accident, Nothing Short of Joy will be your guide. This is one of those books that will make readers say, “I’m a better person for having read this book.”

Julie, you so rock. Go to Wayne’s event and kick ass and take names.

Your lesson for the day

“Any fool can write a book… but it takes a genius to sell it.”
-J.G. Ballard

Smart man, JG. Buy it. Read it. Become brilliant.

That is all.

Oops. That is not all – after all. A review just came in from the The Book Club of The Writers’ Circle of Durham Region, and I’m feeling rather happy about it all. Thank you so much, Bob! Beagle, forget work today – fire up the blender!

Is it ok if I brag a bit?

For those of you who may have missed Adam Eisenberg’s fabulous author event on CSPAN2 Book TV for his wonderful book A Different Shade of Blue, you can watch it on your ‘puter here. God, I love the internet! As an editor, my little black heart burst with pride as Adam deftly handled a panel and his own event like a seasoned pro.

This is a great book because it’s all about how women have changed the face of police work. And yes, I do believe that women add a powerful and poignant banquet of pluses to police work because they are far less likely to resort to violence. They have to be more clever – and Adam’s book highlights some of the wonderful ways in which women’s ingenuity saved lives and, well, made me laugh my head off.

This isn’t a “women’s lib” book, but a celebration of those who had the guts and desire to break through a mold for the sheer love of making their small corner of the world a better place.

And speaking of changing the face of things, my quest for world domination took a closer step to reality with a lovely review of my book, The Writer’s Essential Tackle Box, which is a “Hot Read” in OC Metro Magazine.

I am particularly proud of this book because it’s a culmination of everything I’ve learned and discovered in my publishing journey – which I love more than Twinkies. Writers are the coolest people around, and this book is about discussing issues with them that no one else does.

If you want to learn about all aspects of publishing in the US, this is your one-stop shopping guide because I scratched every possible itch. From interviews with agents, book reviewers, the lovely Victoria Strauss, distributors, cover designers, to ending up with a manuscript autopsy and an entire section on The Writer’s Survival Style Guide, which covers the main reasons why manuscripts never make it past first base.

OC Metro sent me two magazines – one for me, one for Mom, which was lovely, but I think I need more…WoOt!

And then there’s Richard Gilbert, talented author of his wonderful memoir Marching Up Madison Avenue. Richard is the real live embodiment of the TV show Mad Men, so his perspective is particularly interesting when it comes to how often Hollywood gets it wrong. Apparantly Advertising Age Magazine agreed – who gave Richard an amazing review, btw – and printed this article that focuses on Richard’s take on Hollyweird.

I love Richard’s book because he was there, making advertising history back when it was possible for the little guy to make a huge difference in the way we see a product – whether it’s London Fog or After Six tuxedos – where they dressed up a dour Soviet Premier Alexey Kosygin in a tux with the caption, “Mr. Kosygin, we’d like you to have a free tux.”

I’m a one who believes that if you want to know where you’re going, you need to know where you’ve been. Richard Gilbert was right there on Madison Avenue, adding a huge measure of class and intelligence to the ads he produced. How I wish our current rash of pathetically dismal advertising conglomerates would take a page from Richard’s book. And besides, who doesn’t love a David and Goliath story?

The beagle wanted to brag about the new bar she found, but I told her to get her own damn blog.