Yes, I know you’re Big Stuff, but I need what I need

I’ve heard some snarky comments over the years that agents get a pass that authors don’t. That’s true to some extent, but not in the way you think. Agents have the ability to get their client’s work read quicker than if the author queried me on their own. I’m more likely to read something “iffy” if it’s sent by an agent than I would had the author sent it. If I know the agent and have worked with them before, they can simply pick up the phone and say, “Lynn, you have the intelligence of a bing cherry if you don’t read my client’s work.” That’s good enough for me because we know each other’s tastes, and I know they won’t waste my time.

But what about the agents I don’t know and have never worked with? Do they get the same benefits? Absolutely not. I hold Mr./Ms. Agent to the same exact standards that are on our submissions guidelines. In fact, I hold them to a higher standard because they’re salespeople, of sorts, and they should know how to sell their client, right? So when an agent sends me the bare minimum that consists of more description than plot, I’m understandably taken aback. Of course, by this time, I’ve checked out their pedigree and this, rightly or wrongly, colors my expectations of their query.  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect Big Time Stuff will blow my Vickie Secrets off.

So what happens when they fall far short of the mark? Do I give them a pass because they are Big Time Stuff? Not by a mile. I can’t sell a book just because it’s repped by Big Time Stuff Agent. Genre buyers and readers don’t know who BTS Agent is, nor do they give a rip. In order for me know whether BTS has a viable work for me, I gotta know what it is. Only way I can know what it is, is if BTS tells me.

I don’t expect to have my question of, “what makes this story unique from all the other [insert storyline here] currently on the shelves?” answered with, “because the writing is so fabulous.” Is this agent kidding me? Is one of us on hallucinogens? Hell, that kind of answer earns authors an instant rejection letter every day, so what makes BTS agent think she can get away with it?

I admit to giving agents more leeway to hang or redeem themselves, so in that, I do play favorites over authors. But if the resulting correspondence remains as unsatisfactory as it started out, I begin to wonder about their attitude.  Are they screwing with me because they’re arrogant or do they think they don’t need to put the same effort into querying a smaller commercial press? I’ve had encounters with a couple of agents who had very big authors and treated me like the hired help. “You should want this because I SAID SO.” Their attitude is that their selling power is their name, and I should drop to my knees and beg to buy the manuscript right on the spot. Sorry, but I don’t swing that way. I need what I need.

Just recenly, I asked one of these agents for a proposal because their query and subsequent emails back and forth yielded no turning-on-the-lights moments for me. Her reply? “I don’t do proposals because they’re boring.” WTFH? Boring to whom? I have a whole committee I have to answer to, and if I told them, “Ah, we need to take this because this agent is Big Time Stuff,” they’d laugh me out of my zip code. Even the beagle would stop making margaritas for me.

Does she tell Random House editors [providing they haven't worked together] they should agree to read the full ms based on her recommendation? That’s hubris, baby. Does she believe that because I’m a small commercial press that I’m unworthy of respect? Her behavior speaks volumes to me and, just like everyone else in this business, I’m not bloody likely to forget.

After four or five unsatisfactory emails, I’ve decided to not respond. If it’s tough at the query stage, what will it be like at contract negotiations? Editing? Production? Promotion? “Because I am who I am,” doesn’t sell books, and this agent should remember who she represents and that she’s trying to sell manuscripts. Life’s too short to waste on those with an overstuffed opinion of their importance. The bigger issue at hand is that it was the author who lost in this scenario. It’s always the author.

Will my passing on the work make a difference in how the agent operates? Probably not. If I haven’t gotten through with my direct “I need what I need, and I wish you’d provide them to me” emails, then I don’t predict a come to Jesus moment anytime soon. In her mind she has bigger fish to fry, so this author will either miraculously find a home through scant effort by the agent, or she’ll be dropped. In my opinion, she is doing her client a huge disservice by relying on her Big Name and forgetting I’m the one writing the checks.

What’s really sad is that I’ve been fortunate to work with some very big agents, and they are positively lovely. Respect is a two-way street, and this makes for success down the road.

So, see? I’m an equal-opportunity cranky pants.