I live in Southern California. The land of fabulous weather, earthquakes, palm trees, beaches, and…crawly things. I know there are places with far more crawly things than in the land of perpetual traffic, of course. I’m still trying to wipe my mental hard drive of the time I found a giant hairy spider whose legs had muscle tone making a bed in my shoe when I went to the Peruvian Amazon with a medical group.
I. Know. Bugs.
But living where I do means that my windows are open more than the average bear. When y’all are hugging the fireplace/ac unit, or cranking up your electric blankets, I’m opening another window to keep the airflow going. This is an open invitation to the crawly things that have decided living indoors has its benefits.
I usually see the signs of their presence in their house building efforts. They actually believe overnight construction of a web that goes from my coffee pot to the sink is a good idea.
There is also a concerted effort to test my flagging humor over the silky creations that run from my monitor to my mouse. I discovered this while in deep conversation with an agent. The proud builder decided he needed to come home from a night of blood sucking and debauchery and made it as far as my mouse.
I managed to stifle my screams [I fear spiders like the Wicked Witch fears water] and, thinking quickly, I grabbed my trusty Chicago Manual of Style and dropped it square on the six legged bastard.
“What was that noise?” the agent asked.
“Oh, heh, nothing. Just killing a spider.”
I had to buy a new mouse, but the idea that spiders can die from a dangling participle or improper verb conjugation puts the jam in my jelly doughnut.
Sure, I could close my windows, but it’s a lot more fun to rack up my kill ratio. Twisted, you say? Well duhh. I am an editor, after all.
If you get no other book, and you want the inside scoop on what floats our boats, 
November 11, 2009 at 8:22 am
Before anyone else posts about it, let me barge in and mention that the Internet myth about how you swallow a number of spiders in your sleep annually is from a list which was originally called “10 outrageous things people would believe if they read them on the Internet”. I have a reference to this, but, well, it’s on the Internet…
http://www.cracked.com/article_16241_6-most-frequently-quoted-bullsht-statistics.html
November 11, 2009 at 8:34 am
The very idea that I would swallow a spider in my sleep is the stuff nightmares are made of. Makes me want to gargle with battery acid.
Then again, any spider that could stand my breath at night…
November 11, 2009 at 10:14 am
I hate spiders. Hate, hate, hate spiders. Oh, and bees aren’t much better. Thankfully, my dog is an expert bee killer. Spiders. Yuck.
We have huge, ugly, hair spiders about the size of tarantulas here in TN. They call them wood spiders. It’s never a wise thing to squish a wood spider. Why? Oh, let me tell you why . . . the mother’s carry their hundreds upon hundreds of babies on their backs. When you squish mamma, hundreds of those babies scatter in every possible direction known to man . . . including the tree I climbed up to escape the hoard of angry babies. Okay, I didn’t climb the tree, but I think I moved faster than I ever have in my life when the babies started scampering here, there, and everywhere!
S
November 11, 2009 at 10:19 am
We have wolf spiders here – huge MF’ers. One came into our house one night while hubby and I were out on a date. We came home to see this giant think lurking in the bar.
It. Was. Huge. At least the size of a man’s hand. Full muscle tone and all. No way were we stepping on that thing.
We were so freaked that hubby coached it outside on to our driveway. I got in the car and ran over it. I swear that I felt a bump.
The next week we had another, smaller, one invade. Hubby was out of town, so I asked Brave White Hunter neighbor to come over and waste the beast.
He picked it up in his hands and started to take it into my backyard. I screeched. Holy hell, man, get that thing out of my neighborhood!
He insisted that spiders are good for us; they keep our yards free of mosquitoes. I think they’re harbingers of evil. I never did think that man was right in the head.
November 11, 2009 at 11:03 am
Okay, I’ll be different. I don’t mind spiders. In fact, I kind of like them. I like their webs as long as they aren’t strung across my pathway. But I have to admit that one time–about a year ago–I really freaked out.
It was evening. I was reading when I noticed the three cats making excited cat noises. I looked up to see them gently pawing at a *HUGE* spider. WIthout exaggerating I can say it was the size of my hand. I promptly freaked out, but having no man around the house I realized it was either something I had to take care of or let it stick around and become a member of the household.
In that small span of time it took my brain to go from 0 to 60 the spider had run under the bookcase with legs. Fearing one of the cats would get bitten or that it might run where I couldn’t get it, I grabbed a sofa pillow. A little maneuvering and I got it to go on the pillow.
I am by no means the slightest bit religious but I tell ya I prayed very hard that the spider remained sufficiently traumatized by its feline encounter that it did not move while I carefully brought the pillow outside in what seemed like an eternity of minutes. For if it had “come alive” (so to speak) and run up my arm I would most certainly not be alive today.
Fortunately, it did not. I was able to get it out, way out in the yard, and bang the pillow against the side of the garage so it fell off and was able to escape.
I don’t like killing spiders. I just want them in their element while I stay in mine.
Need I say the cats did not appreciate losing their “toy”?
November 11, 2009 at 11:07 am
No, Lauren. Spiders. Must. Die. They have nothing but evil thoughts and delight in scaring the ever-livin’ shit out of me.
November 11, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I lived in Florida for six years, where the only spiders I ever saw were the ones brave enough to share space with the palmetto bugs.
Palmetto bugs=the grossest, most horrifying cockroach cousins known to man.
I don’t think I’d have ever had the courage to throw a Chicago Manual of Style at one of those bad boys, since all this would likely accomplish would be to give the damn thing a weapon. *shudder*
November 11, 2009 at 3:31 pm
My cats found a small tarantula inside the house. By the time I got home from work, it looked like a tangle of black thread. But when I picked it up, it was still twitching. Freak out time! The cats were quite bored with it by that point, but they thought my reaction was entertaining.
November 11, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Maybe you could give the next spider the flu? The spider flu has a nice ring to it.
November 12, 2009 at 7:46 am
OMG! LOL at your comment to me. I agree, the man has lost his mind. He actually picked up the eight legged freak???? Yuck. Ew. Need therapy now!
November 12, 2009 at 7:54 am
Todd, in order for me to sicken a spider, I’d have to GET NEAR IT. Are you mad??
November 12, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I’ve always liked the story of the two dudes, one of whom, upon seeing a nasty looking spider, said to his friend, “Watch me kill this spider,” and then he quickly smashed it beneath his heel. “All right,” the second dude complimented. “Now let’s see you make one.”